24 december 2024

CONTENT WARNING: mentions of anxiety/mental health and suicide

hey.
it's been a while since... that election happened. when i received the news, i became depressed and basically didn't get out of bed for two days straight. then my girlfriend sent me a video that, bluntly, put me in some sort of a manic episode where i was like "i don't give a fuck anymore i'm gonna live my life fuck everything!!!!"
i released a video about it, and quickly unlisted it as i felt like it could've misled people into thinking it was some suicidal note, and more.
after that, things kinda just calmed down.

anxiety (again)
no, my anxiety issues has not been resolved. nor will i think it will be in the near future. two of my trans friends living in america has made some effort into moving out of america. for the rest... idk.
i've had talks with the psychiatrist, whom have also raised my dose of the anxiety meds up to 2 pills; i've also gone to:

cbt
as much as i want to make a joke about doing cock and ball torture, i wanna keep things more serious here. my parents including the psychiatrist suggested i do cognitive behavioral therapy, to which i agreed. the closest one we could find was a 1.5 hour drive away from our home. but in the session, the lady was extremely polite and nice, and i really do hope we could do another session together. i showed her this video which highlights all of my current anxieties i'm dealing with, and she gave me an activity that i could do at a specific time.
first off, she wanted me to separate myself and my brain so that i could directly address my brain and recognize that what i'm feeling isn't me, it's my evil brain. with the help of celeste, i was able to use its analogy of madeline and badeline to portray me and my brain, and i started addressing my brain as badeline.
at around past evening, i would basically have a place to vent my things out; to let badeline out, and let her speak out her struggles.

reflecting on the year
every year, i try to find one word that would fit my life well.
in 2023, the word was "change", noting me changing and graduating high school, to me realizing i was trans, and my shift in mental health.
in 2024, i started the year off with lots of determination on playing pump it up, and i also did lots of creative works like art, origami, and trombone champ chart making. however in july, things would change as sierra-beta would gift me celeste, and that would mark the shift from creative work to pursuing hard challenges to show that even a girl like me, a girl that never thought she would ever do farewell golden, can do anything, to prove to people that if i can do it, so can you.
not everything was all happy and dandy, of course, i had a massive ptsd relapse when i was visiting malaysia, and had to deal with my ex-girlfriend's mental health affecting me, breaking up with her, and dating another girlfriend whom also has mental health issues (not like i'm any different.), as well as discovering that the therapist that i used to go to, didn't really help much.
i also was able to present myself as a girl alot better; being on hrt and lasering hair off my legs and arms reduced my dysphoria by quite an amount. i still haven't been able to voice train well, but this was already a pretty good step in my path of becoming like a girl. (although fsr ppl started telling me my voice wasn't completely masculine, which took me by surprise considering my lack of voice training???)

the first candidate was "perseverance" since i felt like that's most of my experience with celeste, as well as persevering in hard times like my mental health.
but i feel like there's a different word that i feel better represents what i felt overall this year.

ladies, gentlemen, and enbies, i present to you
the word i deem to represent my 2024 year:
resilience


things that keep me alive
there are currently 5 things that keep me alive; that keep me going in life, ordered from first to last:
1. my elephant plushie, lulu (if i kill myself, there won't be anyone to take care of him)
2. my parents
2. my girlfried, lilia (love you <3)
4. all of my online friends
5. the two celeste golden berry enamel pins i own

7 november 2024

...

i wanna die.

14 october 2024

finally... something that works...
hii,,
for the first time ever i've been able to live without being anxious. it feels freeing and awesome. i can just live life...

the psychiatrist visit went well. i did, like, cry, but i got prescribed yet another, the third, anxiety pill called clorazepate. unlike the previous two, this anxiety pill is more short term and relieves anxiety only for a few hours, but it starts working within 10-30 mins.
this pill changed my life. for the first time ever, my brain isn't constantly yelling at me, and i can sit in silence without having to really worry about my mind wandering into traumatic memories. sure, they're very much not gone, and triggers still exist, but i feel like i can finally touch the light that is at the end of the tunnel.
this video describes my experience with the medicine well. it's a dialogue between me and my brain.

i've also spent a bit more time with my family to lessen my time online so that my brain won't fall into triggers existing online. my mom recognizes that the internet isn't always a good place to stay on all the time, and i too recognize this. i love my mom, and it's been really fun being able to hanging out with her more!

not much has happened. i guess i also got world's first 5cg blindfolded , but that's about it eheheh. i may or may not also be dating someone.

29 september 2024

CONTENT WARNING: mentions of suicide and anxiety/mental health

i keep saying that i want to make updates more frequent, yet i haven't done one that's less than a month >:c

again, it's been a while, hasn't it? sit back and relax, as i have quite a bit to talk about on this fine 6 am in the morning.

nekoweb
let's start off with the obvious first, i guess? i wanted to switch to nekoweb so that i don't have to pay money, but then i realized that you can't edit things as easily. so, what i did was move only the blog/journal to nekoweb, and pay 9$ a year to carrd and keep the original one. i think it's a good compromise. i'm in the position where i'm able to pay for such things, and i know that i'm only paying for the convenience, to which i am.

anxiety and mental health
my anxiety has gotten really bad. it's to the point where i've contemplated suicide a few times just to end the pain. you might say "but you have [this that yon] to live for!" and to say, you are correct. however, that doesn't matter. when i get really bad anxiety and feel tremendous pain, i forget about it, and want the pain to stop, so i would think about suicide anyways.
i tried taking two different anxiety meds to try and calm down my anxiety. the first one was sertraline. when around day 8 came, i started feeling really drowsy, and sick, and had almost no appetite. i basically didn't want to do anything. i stopped taking the meds, and on my next psychiatrist visit, she gave me a different kind of meds called escitalopram. they also didn't relieve my anxiety, but only made it so that i would feel sleepy after only like... 1.5-2 meals. NGNG.
that entire ordeal kinda made me lose hope in trying to deal with this anxiety. i basically have to live with it now. my next psychiatrist visit is in 3 days, so i hope i can find some solution to... not wanting to kill myself over this pain of anxiety that i have.
i've opened up about my anxiety and wanting to kill myself alot more to my parents, and they're also trying their best to help.
i also want to figure out if i also have underlying mental disorders like bpd, which would explain why my mood shifts so awful lot lately.

celeste stuff
i've gotten farewell golden! it's an accomplishment that i've wanted to get, and i'm glad i now have fwg!
getting fwg has made me change the perspective of how i achieve things from now on. it's not about how good your accomplishment is compared to others. it's how much you're willing to keep going, your own journey, and where you wanna go and stop. i've announced that my future plans for celeste are to get sjgmhsg, 7dg, and 30m any%. i believe in myself in getting them, even if they take me a year!

i've made alot of friends in the celeste community. some are really nice, unfortunately some others also cause me anxiety. i won't at all go into details about it.
what i do want to share is this video that i've made. i've figured out a way to portray my relationship with me and my brain using badeline and madeline, and so i've learnt how to make dialogues, and i've made that video so i can easily share how my anxiety works.

i've also made this to track my celeste progress and stuff, it's supposed to be like a journal but way more versatile!

viosa
just yesterday, etymologynerd posted a video about viosa, and the server grew like 3x its size. i feel really bad for the mods and the teachers because there's so many ppl and it's so overwhelming :c


actually, you know what? it's made me realize that i should just set boundaries in my timetable and just do everything that i want. play osu!, play pump it up, learn japanese and viosa, and just do whatever i want again. i should just do them and not constantly think about doing them again.

cyall again. be it a month or more. i promise i will try my best in trying to live! <3

7 august 2024

hi
life feels the same as usual (which is high anxiety        which is not good lol)
i'm on anxiety meds now yay
on one hand it feels good cuz finally i can live life again
but on the other hand im sad that i have to be medicated now cuz it's gotten to that point celeste's been good, im very close to fwg, i know i can do it

8 july 2024

the voices andor intrusive thoughts in my head have been alot quieter lately
is it because i broke up with zara? maybe.
who knows.

5 june 2024

CONTENT WARNING: venting? and transphobia and trauma mentions

hey.
long time no see, journal i've avoided journaling simply because i didn't feel the need to journal, and it's been 4 months. alot has changed. this is gonna be a really long journal, so i hope y'all are ready to see a massive text box. hrt
as of writing this, i am 4 months into hrt, and almost 1 year of me coming out. the effects have been really good. i've been crying a lot easier and alot more. it's kinda like a double edged sword since i enjoy crying (cuz it feels good and also a female thing) but it's also because of the negative emotions most of the time. there's this song that i found that's really good to cry to. i'll talk more about celeste when i get to it. i've three questions that i've gotten answered, which was
1. progesterone why no give, and why not talk about?
- when i did ask them about it, they did offer to give it, but i think the very reason no doctor/nurse will prescribe it is because it's not necessary to transition. you get all of the girl hormone effects via estrogen already; progesterone is just to make your boobs bigger. they said if that's what i want, then they're more than willing to give. although i'm sure boobs can still grow with just... estrogen, and time.
2. injectible estrogen
- they just said there's none in thailand. they would be more than willing to give it to me if it indeed was available, but there's just none. they wuold nhave to outsuorce if they wanna give me the thing, which like, whatever.
3. pill estrogen
- they said they didn't give me pills because estrogen in the form of pills can actually make your blood clot, which is like very much worse than just gel, which is what i have.
obviously i'm not gonna cry over it; i'm more than fortunate to be able to even start hrt, or even have both parents accepting of me. i'll continue the estrogel if taht's my only option. my 3rd and final sleepover, and transphobic friends and supportive friends
before april 1st, [name of sleepover invitor] invited me to his sleepover once again, which is gonna be my third time bieng there now. unfortunately, unlike the two previous sleepovers, there aren't as many ppl there, and i couldn't have as much fun. i've been out as trans for a while now, so, i figured i'd just go there dressing up- well, not dressing up like a girl, but rather just be myself and dress in a feminine way; dress how i prefer.
before the very day, i unfortunately learnt that not everyone there is supportive of me being trans. most kept going back to the rule of "penis = man, vagina = woman" which unfortunately isn't true; trans ppl woludn't exist then. there were two very accepting ppl that were at the sleepover; both girls, and they allowed me to sleep with them since the rooms unfortunately got split into boys and girls room. i remember still feeling really glad that they allowed me to feel like a girl. i will forever be greatful about that. i remember being giddy about that.
one of the female friends told me that unfortunately there just aren't ppl worth keeping around, and you would need to cut them out of your life.
so that's what i did. i left both servers where it's the only place where i can communicate with old and new schoolmates. but it's for the better good.
most, if not, all of the ppl that graduated around the same time as me (as well as being in the same class) were all supportive, as they were older and also my friend, and definitely more open minded.
thank you very much, ford , finn , program , and anda for allowing me to be myself. if i could hang out with all of you again right now, i wouldn't even hesitate to. maddy, therapy, and my curing trauma
before the maddy (one of my tc friends whom also is trans and enjoys my charts alot) incident happened, i may or may not have developed a tiny crush on zara, because i've been playing stuff with her alot, like pit and whatnot.
then, in an out of context qoutes channel, there's a picture of a message that's about... something. and other ppl put alot of reactions to it.
and i decided to... put an emote there, which would go on to reveal some horrifying (but very amusing and enjoyable) truths of some ppl which included maddy and zara.
because i have discovered this side of zara (which i will keep private), i got alot closer with her, and we were kinda just having alot of fun with each other.
on the 4th of may, my mom and another friend of her and i agreed to fly to malaysia to have some fun. the first day was very fun; i got very close to zara that's for sure :giggle:, and the food there was good as well. i got into a hotel which turned out to be wayyyy bigger and nicer than i thought, and it's definitely one of the highest ranked "hotel rooms" i've ever visited. 9/10, would go there again. and i woke up early (cuz i didn't sleep at all the entire time before malaysia) and i learnt about the maddy situation.
. i don't wanna talk about it right now just cuz i still feel very iffy about it. but let's just say that it was like my trauma hit the worst person.
i remember i felt sick to the stomach, and felt unexplainable emotions that included rage and alot of things. i vented about it to zara cuz she was more than willing to listen to me. zara. she was there when i needed someone the most. and zara was there.
it couldn't've been anyone else better for me to vent to. because of that, i still owe her alot because of that. it was either that day or the day after that i confessed to her that i love her because of how much she cared about me, and i also care alot about her. i definitely wouldn't've confessed if my emotions weren't completely destroyed when i was in malaysia.
for the rest of the day, i couldn't really function, and i ended up going back to hotel early.
i woke up the next day at midnight, and talked with zara again. i think i described the emotion as, in verbatim, i feel like i've been heavily wounded (metaphor) and now i'm in a hospital (metaphor) healing or smth . for the rest of the month, i didn't go into the toottally server again, since it hurted to see maddy's profile.
since then, zara and i have been dating. i've also learnt alot about how she's also suffering in her own things, in which i also got affected. i learnt that i think i should talk about this in the zara and america section instead lol it took a long time until i got the courage to talk to maddy again, which is a good segway into celeste
to say that celeste helped me heal would be an understatement.
one day in a stream i said to chat that i'll play celeste when someone gifts it or when i get around to buying it. celeste has always been in my radar as " the transgender game" cuz the main character is trans, the developer is trans, and the community is trans (most). then no good money wasting sierrabeta had to buy the game for me. i then played celeste 2 days later from that stream.
loved it. the best game i've played by far. at the beginning it had the screen "you can do this". many ppl might interpret this as the game telling them that they can do this, and stop there. but i personally think that this is madeline telling herself that she can do this. and you might think that makes it less special, but the very special thing is that you are controlling madeline. you are the one who makes her not give up, therefore you are not giving up. you make her not give up by not giving yourself up. you are never gonna give yo you saw that coming cmon lol
and so i feel like it sends an amazingly extremely powerful message, that, if you can complete farewell in celeste, then you can do anything in life. you never gave up in making her complete farewell, so you yourself should not give up. there's one part in celeste where madeline has a panic attack and theo teaches her to think about the feather, that your breathing controls the feather, and to breathe slowly to stabilize the feather. i then saw a comment about how someone else doing the same thing and i thought "hey, maybe i should do the same."
it works great. whenever i'm crying and almost getting it out of my control, or whenever im having intense emotions, i would imagine a feather, and try to stabilize my brssthing witj the feather, and it feels good. it feels like finally i have a method to be able to slow down my breathing and continue on my life. i've also thought about doing what madeline has done; she ran away and climbed up a mountain because she has nothing better to do. i've thought about just... leaving. making everything stagnant because i hate looking at change.
ever just placed a pin on a map somewhere random across countries and just.. going? rundomrun (person that played celeste with me on my first day) offered to hear me vent, and i vented about maddy. he said verbatim i think the best thing to do right now would be a good friend to maddy , to which i did. on a night, i opened the song that keeps me very emotional, and i talked to maddy. i was basically sobbing the entire time because of how emotional that conversation was. to say that celeste didn't have a part in this would be lying. (i'm crying again as i reread the convo we had)
because of the philosophy that i had about madeline telling herself that she can do this, and that you made her finish farewell, i have this perspective where celeste players are extremely resilient. it may be because of this thought that i was able to talk to maddy again. i now regularly talk to her about my new achievements in celeste. source of my trauma(?)
i think i know what the underlying reason for my trauma is? i've theorized that it has something to do with loss; ie losing people. this ties to the two other ppl who've got- ppl... that... are associated with my trauma.
dealing with loss is smth i do terribly at. i have this elephant plushie that i know if i lose, i will suffer, and it will be a loooooooooong time till i recover. i've cried thinking about losing my plushie. i've also cried thinking about attending the mandatory military service (something that i'm pretty sure i'm exempt from purely because i have a heart condition and cannot perform, but i'm mad that i even have to think about it because i was amab and i'm so fumkcingaionetneiosrtramitygahlgfhlgsdafhlsdbfvhlnjkasdflhjkasdfhjl;asdf;jlasdf;jlasdfg;jklsd
sorry, i'm just mad.
i'll have to talk about my therapist to see what he thinks about this theory that i have. it might stop my intrusive thoughts, but who knows. zara and america
zara happened. she is one of the sweetest and loving people i've ever met. we've been dating for almost a month as of writing this journal, and i've loved almost every second of it. but some of them was pain because i know she's suffering in her own things, and thinking about that also makes me suffer because i'm pretty sure i am a very powerful empath.
before zara, i would never think of stepping foot into america because it's honestly been a shit show, even if my friends have tried convincing me that it's wayyyy better than what thte media portrays, i'm still notconvinced, and america as a whole just scares me. i don't wanna get shot is what i think about all the time when i think about america.
but because i wanna be with zara now, i have considered going to america to meet her (and maybe other friends there.) my perspective of america is slowly changing, but it's still very scary to think about. maybe it'll change in the future, i don't know. i still kinda stress about the problems zara is dealing with, most of it she has said to me, but i try my best to put it aside and just live my life. even though she's told me many rhings she has to deal with, it is not my obligation to help her out. nontheless i hope she'll do well with hwr future.
it also reminds me that everyone's going through their own problems. i wouldn't say i'm in a better position, as i have my own problems to deal with (as with zara), so i shouldn't think much because everyone's just trying to live their lives as well as possible. (i got sidetracked here and talked about) sexuality and pronouns
zara has also made me discover that i'm demisexually lesbian. i don't like men that much, and ppl falling in love at first sight was smth i thought only happened in fiction. i also think sex without any strings attached is smth very absurd, and if i ever do such thing, then i've gone insane. i've also switched my pronouns to fully she/her now, and [i lost my train of thought. nontheless,] it feels nice. the reason is because even though i understand why ppl wolud call me he because of my voice, i still much prefer she/her, as i am a girl, and i am a girl. leaving discord for 1 month
starting in april, i decided to leave discord for 1 month. the decision for this was because i needed a break from one of my most used social media of all time.
i think the entire month, life was actually pretty good. for the first time ever, i had time for alot of stuff cuz i dind't have discord to distract me rfom stuff, and it felt great just not being on discord all the time now. unfortunately i felt like i didn't get much from it regardless, but i did find one silver lining, which is that i can remove channels that i don't visit alot to try and deter myself from wandering around way too much. project on payper inglish
in the time of me quitting, i also made alot of progress on my side project currently called "payper inglish" which is basically a simplified english meant to ease learning but you would still be able to communicate with native english speakers. i spoke with a friend that was interested in doing some work with me, and it was nice. the project is barely done, and i still have research to do. but i'm hopeful for this project. wikipedia and why i may get booted off
i've learnt how to make my userpage alot prettier, and make it look way nicer by seeing how other ppl have done it, and i loved it.
until i discovered that i may be breaking the rules of wp:cnh. i would love to contribute on wikipedia and to make articles better, but im afraid that my userpage is gonna get booted off because i broke a rule. i've since simplified my userpage, and it looks empty now. to any wikipedians reading, i apologize, and will do my best to contribute to wikipedia rather than continuously editing my userpage. my main goal rn is to make any other edit count counts higher than my userpage edit count. drawing
...i wish i could type about this, but thinknig about it alone still hurts.
maybe i should do the same thing i did with maddy.
rejoin the fucking server.
you can do this, abigail.
you can do this.
nice ppl exist.
it's ok. achievements
out of nowhere, i started having desires of achieving stuff in other games alot more. i wanna play adofai again and get toa really high level; same with osu! and other hrythm games. i wanna pass paradoxx in pump it up and maimai. addressing my past journals
i've thought about doing this at some point, and so why not now? 13 july 2023
i think i started school life and ended school life as a failure. - - maybe . . . i'll just do whatever makes me feel comfy. i think it's false that i failed in my school life. i'm not sure how, but yeah. if i could go back to hug myself, then i would.
4 august 2023
if i had to choose between reaching goals or achivements in . . . games, . . . or creating, . . . i would choose to create. i still stand by this statement. creating fulfills me more than achieving goals. although i'd say both fulfill me alot now, since i wanna be known as that girl that can do anything. because i wanna send a message out. that message is if i can do it, then you can.
i've dealt with massive self doubts in my accomplishments, yet i can still accomplish them. it says alot about who i am as well as the message that i wanna send out.
27 august 2023
my ultimate goal in life is to not get forgotten i'm not sure if this is my goal anymore. i'd rather be well known in a community and make ppl there happy be it my achievements or my creations. i think that's my real life goal.
27 september 2023
it just... fucking hurts to [realize] that i can't do anything about [trans ppl suffering]. this again ties back to what i've said [i've lost data of what i typed here cuz it seems like i've hit the text limit for when this used to be hosted on carrd]

17 february 2024

CONTENT WARNING: trauma mentions?

it's been a while
i really don't wanna make this a monthly thing, but i guess they're the only times i'd be motivated enough to journal anything hrt & laser
it happened so quick, and i thought i'd never be at this point, but i'm finally doing hrt :D as of the day of this journal, it's been 18 days since i started hrt. i haven't noticed any symptoms yet, but i've noticed that my semen went away within only 3 days (don't ask how i know). to keep track of my symptoms, i made this nifty table of all of my symptoms that i had, have, and will have according to the table of the listed symptoms that a trans girl would have when doing hrt. i am pretty excited for the future, but it is a little frightening to realize that change is happening in my body, but at a very slow rate. it's basically like puberty, but you know exactly when it started happening, (that's basically hrt innit?) therapy
i went to another therapy session on the 25th of january, and it went pretty well. i think the therapist emphasized on trying to make me continue my life withput thinking of the traumas as much as possible. i kinda had a breakthrough (or a huge understanding) (that happened after the session) that, yes, normal people feel very sad upon realizing that... bad things are occuring to certain people. however, those normal people are able to control their emotions, and not let them drag them down completely and make them feel miserable, cuz whatever happens, ya gotta move on, right? however, for me, i really didn't learn how to control my emotions, and so, upon learning about a certain person's situation on reddit, and another certain person on a wikipedia article i came across, instead of being sad about it, and moving on the next day, i got another full blown trauma as a result :D
my next session is on march 14th (which just happens to be on pi day) and i wanna update him with my symptoms, and also talk about potentially healing my first trauma, and explain to him a possibility of why i have the 2nd trauma.
sleeping schedule
i think, fir the first time ever, i am able to stick with a sleeping wchedule. it's not aa great right now (i'm typing this at midnight 17 feb) but it's better than last time in which it's almost impossible for me to keep a sleeping wchedule. i truly am a girl with like 0 sleeping schedule.
art & other hobby related stuff
i finished an art piece for space kidd, and i gave it to her and she loved it. it kinda reminded me of why i keep, and want to continue to do art; i wanna make ppl happy with all of the fanart i wanna do :3 (and of course i'll mak emyself happy by drawing my own persona)
i've also been wanting to go back to playing piano and language. i've decided to go back to the strategy i did 2 yesrs ago; monthly goals
im not sure what i should do for march, but im thinking either language or piano. probably language. im glad i can still get on my feet and walk :) there were things pushing me down, but... i try to get up as best as i can.

20 january 2024

charting tc songs
charting takes such a long time to do, but im nearly at the end of it. after im done charting, im gonna "quit", or atleast take a really long break, because time is better spent doing something more fulfilling than endlessly making the same thing over and over, which is hogging much of my time that i could put into creative works instead. and then i'll look into getting back into playing piu. time schedules
i've been trying to get a consistent sleeping schedule. in december, i discovered that i don't sleep for 10 hours. i sleep just 8 like a normal human being, just that i stay in bed for 2 more hours scrolling through my ipad. i've been trying to remedy this by setting an alarm to wake me up at 7 am (i'll talk later why) and basically making a code that'll yell at me after i've been in bed for more than 25 mins. it's ehhh working somewhat, and i still find myself getting up to close the alarm, and still going back to sleep. i wanna wake up earlier, but it's very difficult to do so.
my ideal schedule in my dtd life is to go to starbucks at 7 am, cuz that's when it opens, and also there aren't alot of people at that time, which makes mornings really comforting. and after the entire mall opens at 11, i go play piu, and i'll come back home to do computer stuff, if there's anything to do. days repeating w/ no change
recently i've been feeling alot of "the days are the same thing over and over", and i think that might be cuz im just not going out. wanting to do something different, so my life feels different. not too different, of course, else my autistic brain will get too overwhelmed. i wanna do things like draw more, do more origami, play piano, etc. i've just been held back by both making charts for pump it up and playing open hexagon. last will be destroyed very soon. mcsr
i might get into speedrunning mc. might.
recently met a girl called mach (pronounced "mock"), and she's nice. she's trans so that's a thing similar. i wanna become friends with her, and maybe some other ppl who speedrun mcsr. they seem chill. mental health
my mental health has been improving. i think ever since i vented about it in the two therapy sessions i've had, my feelings have gotten better. i still have some flashbacks, but they're more of "peeking through the window" at the traumas instead of "being forced into the room", and so i've gotten better at regulating when they appear. i've also just been focusing more on doing my stuff. both of the trans subreddits are still too much for me to reenter, so that might not happen anytime soon. although, the good side is that reddit is another social media i've gotten rid of.

9 january 2024

hi i'm recovering :) life's been really difficult but im holding it together talked about it to the therapist and he said to focus on the present, and not let your mind wander around the negativity
he also said that you never really know what someone is truly feeling focusing on completing my trombone chanp charting list, and i'll be feee

5 november 2023

CONTENT WARNING: LOTS OF VENTING AND THE USE OF F SLUR

yo yo what's up it's your absolutely depressed girl paper here life hasn't been good :( or atleast my feelings haven't been top notch. transphobia (again)
so, the last time i went to therapy, nothing actually changed much, but i think i just felt a bit better because of time. all i did was kinda stated my fear from seeing ppl post, and coming out to the therapist (which i'll talk about later)
i was recovering, until
one night, i decided to open up reddit at 3 am, and wishing "i sure hope there aren't any transphobia"
the first post was about transphobic parents (as well as the second.)
one bad thing about being able to read fast is that you absorb information really quickly, so i didn't even have a second to look away from the image of the post.
the post was about how their parents forced their daughter to cut their hair. for some reason, i looked into the comments, and the child said that their parents basically pinned them down, and cut her hair by like 2cm.
after seeing that, i basically couldn't sleep for another 2 hours. the thought (not even thought, this is a fact) of their transphobic parents being this abusive was excruciatingly painful to me. i cried about it that day, and it just really hurts.
up to this day (which has been like a week), it still hurts to think about. it fucking hurts. like, why do you want to abuse your child that badly because they didn't wanna cut their hair??? why do you have to be abusive to your child? i don't fucking get it
i'm suffering. because this trans girl is suffering. i get thoughts of what i read about her and her transphobic parents everyday now. it's not fun.
i wish i could let go, but i don't know how. it hurts every single day to keep thinking about the abuse done to that poor trans girl. i don't know what to do.
i told my mom to schedule an appointment to a therapist, and she said it won't be available till december 21. which is really long. i don't know if i can survive for 1.5 more months of this fucking event of the trans girl stuck in my fucking head. i don't FUCKING KNOW WHAT TO DO
I WISH HER PARENTS CAN BURN IN HELL, FUCKING FAGGOTS i've identified 5 previous experiences with not transphobic, but just generally abusive (or just bad) parents.
the first one was about someone whom i dated for 4 months in 2020. i can't remember much, but the family just aren't financially doing great, and the parents would just be unfair to who i was dating. i currently don't know how they're doing.
another was about a trans girl on twitter who had their, not just internet, but phone access restricted by their parents. she said her goodbyes on may 2020, and i haven't heard from her since. likewise i don't know how she's doing.
the 3rd is about a trans girl who i saw on twitter because of julica. julica bullied her, and so i looked through the trans girl's profile, and apparently her parents kicked her out. the last post of her that i remember was about her grieving of some sort, i don't remember well.
the 4th was about a person who i met for a short while on reddit. they then told me to switch talking to another unfamiliar website, until they told me that they couldn't talk to me anymore because their parents were restricting access to be social with anyone online. they really were sad about it, and i couldn't do anything.
the last person, i don't remember how we met, but they were on skype, and we talked quite a bit on there. she and another person on discord (whom is doing fine) was like the only 2 people i was close with. i remember her saying smth like moving houses or smth. it's all really fuzzy because it's been so long, but i think she's just not in a very good place. she might have also been a pedophile, but i was not hurt by her. it hurts to think about all of this, and i don't know what to do about it any more. i can't continue to live like this, if the thoughts of all of the trans girls i've mentioned have been, or are continuing to be abused. if i could, i would yell at them to leave home and find better life outside, but... y'know, you can't do much.
i just hope they all soon will live better lives. when they turn 18 and hopefully have some more choices other than being stuck with their abusive, transphobic parents. if i believed in any god, i'd say lord please bless them and let them be free from suffering.
i've yet to have a good nights sleep since i read that reddit post. right now all i can do is find some help, and wait for the 2 month long waiting time for the therapist. i don't know how things will be in the next 2 months. i kinda use this journal as an outlet. im not worried about who will read this, but i just hope that i can feel better some way by doing this; jotting down my thoughts. coming out
last therapy session, i came out to my therapist. he didn't mind much, but just asked me, like, what do you wanna talk about, about transgender
i asked him 2 things; what to do when i see people venting about their trans life, or their transphobic parents, and how i should come out to my parents and what terminology i should use in thai. i don't know alot of thai, so it was troublesome to find words to come out to my parents. i came out to my mom on halloween, and she was accepting.
that session, i forgot to ask about what to do with thoughts of trans ppl suffering coming up in my head, so i gotta wait until the next session to talk about it to the therapist now.
im not sure if i can wait tho. sleepover update
i guess i should give an update about what happened to the sleepover i went to. i wore a skirt there, and weirdly enough no one asked alot about it, i think it's because everyone was already pretty used to me just being weird me, which i am fine with. i was also kinda forced to wear a skirt, because the short pants that i wore at that time had no pockets, so i had to use my skirt to get pockets. overall, life hasn't been great. my sleep is still shifting alot, so i don't get to go out, which means i get to stay home and be sad. i really hope i can get around to dealing with suffering because trans ppl are suffering. i'm still trying to figure out why i have such strong emotional feelings about transphobic parents, or just abusive parents in general.
future me, if ur reading this, i hope you're feeling better. i can't imagine not suffering because trans ppl are suffering. it'll be hard. また... whenever i come back to this journal again.
i think this might be my longest journal session yet.

27 september 2023

CONTENT WARNING: VENTING

hi. transphobia and controllessness
a few days ago i learnt about a trans fem person who made a map of which states in the united states should trans people not visit. this was a great insight, except that it made me feel worse for the people who live there. even one person told me they live in florida. fyi, florida passed a law that will criminalize trans people for going into the "wrong" bathroom
it just... fucking hurts to succumb to the realization that i can't do anything about it, that these people will continue suffering in their lives, unable to change anything until the distant future.
i have no control over it. i can't do anything about it.
there are alot of people suffering anyways.
i'm sure that my therapist has told me to just ignore them, that you can't do anything about it, so you shouldn't think about it. he talked about how people are free to talk about anything in their lives on discord, so they'll talk about it bad or good. but, this isn't a discord thing. this is a real world thing. the thought of ppl suffering lingers in my brain, and it hurts. therapiss
it's hard to tell if i'm recovering. it's clear i can't resolve my feelings easily. i may talk about it to my therapist.
last time i wrote a blog, i thought i'd be going to the therapist tomorrow, but it's unfortunately been pushed to next month and a half. it's now on 10th october. sleepover
i'm sorry that most of what i've said is basically vent. let's move on from it.
on the 8th october, im going to my friend's house for another sleepover again yayyyy
last time i went there on april fools, i wore a skirt as a "joke" cuz i thought only one girl was going there.
but now, im going as a girl. full girl mode engaged. i don't care what people think, if i have to come out as trans to them, i will. but i'm going there being a girl as much as possible no matter what happens.
and it excites me.
my heart even skips a beat at the thought of me going there and going outside dressed up as a girl for the first time.
being a girl.
. i don't have much else to say. i just really wanted to ramble.
bye

27 august 2023

it's been a looong while life's just almost been the same. i think i enjoy waking up at later times, because i can just interact more with people instead of waking up super early. the thing about waking up super early is that no one is up. so, why bother? also, you gotta sleep early, which ugghhhh
i've been questioning why life's just really stagnant. i might talk about it with my therapist. i wanna play piano. goal in life
my ultimate goal in life is to not get forgotten
to do something that'll be set in stone
to make a profound impact to atleast one person
to be, not always respected, but remembered in a community japanese and life
i haven't made as much progress as i want. i inatead got distracted trying to make a drawing for the viosa community, making even more trombone champ charts (WHICH MAY I ADD, I SAID TO NOT MAKE ANY THIS MONTH), and video editing.
i think i gotta start limiting myself a bit, and be done with what i want to be done with. i'll do a last trombone champ chart, and i won't make another for a while. i'll make a last really-long-to-plan-out-for video, and i won't make any more that takes this much time.
i just wanna focus on japanese, and i know i'll be happy if i do, because it- it's japanese, i really wanna talk with the people in the language i feel like i could really be passionate in!!! i also wanna do more stuff in japanese and i can't do that because i keep getting distracted by alot of things!! URRGGHHH therapy
last half a month, i skipped going to therapy because my sleeping schedules weren't alinged as i hoped it to be. i'll try to sleep more regularly. but again, so much to do.
i wanna talk more about discord, and things like "i never had any irl friends like others, wtf do i do", things like that which i think i have written down in notes, i'm not sure. maybe i'll think of more sad things to rant about to my therapist.
i also thought about telling the therapy about my fetishes and kinks, but... they're not impacting my life. so why talk about it if they're not negative?
i think i'll also include talking about coming out to my mom so i can get my legs lasered so they won't be hairy and i can enjoy my life a little more, looking a lil more feminine ehehe future life
it's scary. in october, im gonna be staying for a few days in japan to talk about the university i'm going in. if i already can't regulate my sleep schedule, how tf do i expect to live alone in japan? i really have no idea.
i also thought about jobs, and... i...
i don't have a clue what i want to do.
im scared. おはようございます。紙です。紙like in 折り紙. よろしくお願いします
. i'll talk about the future to my therapist as well, i guess.
i gotta sleep; it's almost 2 am. i wish anyone reading this a comfy life.
i hope things go well.

4 august 2023

hi
a number of things has happened japanese
so, i finally started learning japanese
beforehand, i already learnt to read hiragana and katakana. it's been fun being able to read like a really small slither of whatever japanese text there is. things like ふわふわ or プシ～～. don't ask what that means.
yesterday, i got genki as a pdf online from some place, and started learning the boring stuff. i think i'm gonna learn japanese kinda the same way as viosa, just prioritizing what makes me happy instead of learning whatever genki throws at me, which may not make it fun. i've learnt what to not do when i was learning spanish, and it's not gonna repeat. creating or reaching goals
if i had to choose between reaching goals or achievements in rhythm games, like getting an S on a song that i've been trying for months, or creating a beatmap, chart, level, or any kind of art,
i would choose to create. when i achieve something i've been trying for months, i get extremely ecstatic, adrenaline rushing me.
when i create something, i'm hoping people enjoy my creation. if they do, then that makes them happy, which in return, makes me happy. creating fuels my happiness more often than achieving something, since i know that what i've created, many people may cherish it for hours or years, and that it'll stick around and make me not forgotten in life. i'm not saying that i'm gonna quit rhythm games anytime soon, but i think what's important is prioritizing what truly makes me happy.
akin to lily's comic , creating makes me fulfilled like nothing else. i think what you need to spend the most time thinking about is what makes you happy. .
.

25 july 2023

meow
art inspirations
hey did you know that these are my 4 main inspirations from people in art!!!!!!
- jaidenanimations simplistic artstyle
- hosuh's artstyle/plan3 simplistic artstyle/perspective
- beesukii simplistic artstyle/facial expressions
- chauta perspective/facial expressions .
therapiss
maybe i'll journal tomorrow i really don't have the brain power to journal today ;w; i went to the therapist again, and asked him questions, he gave answers, and it's all up to me to improve myself now wish me luck or give me encouragement, however you want. .
.

19 july 2023

やっほ～
search to compress audio at lowest bitrate possible is over
i may have accidentally gone down a rabbit hole of trying to convert my music to lowest quality possible again... this is the third time ;w; although this attempt was different. it was successful. it first started with me searching up "converting songs to 1kbps" to start with. i found this website which for some reason lets you freely customize bitrate all the way to 1kbps. i converted the song "last goodbye - undertale" into mp3 and opus. it was entertaining, but i was dubious, because neither mp3 nor opus supported 1kbps audio. i was not satisfied, and kept looking. i continued by searching "codec that supports low audio bitrate." the previous 2 codecs that i found, speex and codec2, no converters support it, so i wanted to find alternate codecs in hopes of finding some converters for it. i wanted to search for a wikipedia article for lists of audio coding formats for speech, but i couldn't find it for some reason.
i tried learning more about codec 2 by just... searching "codec 2" and MAYBE by chance, i'm gonna find some converters out there that's gonna support the codec 'codec 2.' i found this website which gave "samples of Codec 2 on music!"
i thought this would be the furthest i could reach, seeing that there were some people who actually are interested in getting their music downgraded to shit quality. i searched "decode mp3 to codec2" and this was the search that did it.
i found a wordpress website called "low bit net" with the subtitle "The less bits the better." i figured this particular person also found interest in downgrading their music. i found a blog by that person called "Easier way to Play Codec2 in Windows with JC2Rec"
they mentioned that someone had made a gui for encoding anything into codec2, and links to a website here.
yada yada i downloaded the program, and it supports recording your voice and encoding it into codec2. it can also play back the recently recorded file. i thought this was finally it. however, of course the program doesn't support decoding music, only encoding. what i had to do was make the computer record the audio in the computer instead of an external mic.
should be easy
not i looked up tutorials, and all of them lead to using stereo mix, an audio driver that uses the computer audio as the microphone, which isn't supported on my computer because it is not a custom build. what i had to do was do everything on my old i7 9th gen laptop instead. what i did was compress the program into rar, and upload the rar and "last goodbye" on discord, and download it on my laptop. i enabled stereo mix there, and started recording on the program, and played the song. at this moment, relief flooded me. it comforted me like me in bed surrounded by pillows.
the search to convert my music to the lowest bitrate possible has ended. i ended the recording on the software and played it back. because this program only exported c2 files, i needed to record the playback with audacity; no biggie. i then saved the audacity mp3 and uploaded it into discord. it's over. .
other stuff
i've been trying to find time to do everything. unfortunately, when you have time to do anything, you have no time to do nothing. it's a bit stressful living life in which you wanna do everything, but you also don't have time to do anything. i should get my priorities ohl5 has started, and it's been fun getting 69s on all scores again. i don't expect to update this blog/journal everyday, and i don't expect anyone to read it. but i'll try journaling when i can .
.

14 july 2023

hi :) i've graduated high school now
i have nothing left academically to look forward to in life (except university i guess but that'll be for a while)
at first i was ecstatic, but now i'm not sure what to do
being goalless is probably the worst thing in the world, cuz that could spiral into getting depression. i suppose i can finish up on whatever projects i have in my mind now. draw some more, pump it up here and there, chart more trombone champ songs .
tomorrow i actually have a visit to a therapist. there are some things that i want cleared up since the last time i went there. it'll be my second session. i remember the first session, venting about things and this that yon, and what the therapist boiled down, in my perspective, is basically if you think of the bad things, think about good things. essentially, just forget about it. don't think about it. i suppose it helps, if you are depressingly crippled by your traumas and not socially functioning, but i'm not that; i can function. so, i'm gonna be asking the therapist for a more in depth help of how to get rid of this trauma, instead of just forgetting it, and actually actively work on getting rid of it
there are also some other problems i have (about myself, not the therapist) that i haven't shared yet, so, that's also my opportunity to talk about with him. .
i'm gonna eventually start learning japanese soon. this'll impede my viosa learning for sure, but i wanna continue with japanese. even just being in thailand, i'm already so immersed in japanese, all i need to do to start learning japanese is to just start. and no, not with duolingo, duolingo sucks.
fyi, my name in japanese is 紙／カミ。i recently just learnt that kami can also mean hair, but i have long hair, so it works out
imagine 長い髪 wwwwwwwwwwwww .
.

13 july 2023

hi this is my first time trying to write some sort of blog. it isn't the first time i've tried to journal something down tho, but that's for another day i usually journal at the end of the day, but y'know .
today, youtube recommended me this video and i went down in a rabbit hole of trying to convert audio down to as low bitrate as possible i remember doing this last year, eventually settling on a program called fre:ac, which has speex, which is able to support audio down to 2kbps.
today, i tried doing the same thing again. i had to get my old laptop out and boot it up to find out what the name of the program was, because i forgot
i tried to convert music into 2kbps again. however, there wasn't an option to convert music to 2kbps anymore, only 4kbps. what my reserach boiled down to is basically: there's 2 codecs that are available that can yield you impressively low audio bitrate: speex at 2kbps lowest, and codec 2, at an impressively 450 bps at its lowest.
because i'm not a tech savvy, i have no idea how to use these publicly available codecs to convert my music to its codec, and so i needed to rely on available software to do it. fre:ac supports speex, but i haven't been able to find one for codec 2 yet. someone on reddit said that you can use freedv to convert your music into codec 2, but i downloaded it and have no idea how to convert my music at all. if anyone else who wants to try this out and tell me how you can convert music into 450bps using freedv or codec 2, PLEASE contact me. .
what's funny is that, in a few hours, i have to go to bangkok and take tests that may make me stay in highschool or become a neet. and all of the prep that i've done is... trying to convert my music to abysmal amounts of bitrate. i don't have much anxiety about my upcoming tests, because i know i can do them. if i fail the tests, i just retake them. if i past, then good i'm not sure what i should do after i finish highschool. my parents just basically told me that we're gonna travel alot, because my school life has ended now. .
i think i started school life and ended school life as a failure. i gained no friends that i can hang out with all the time throughout my entire life. in grade school, i'm just confused. in high school, i have to deal with teachers and school stuff. maybe the future will hold a better life for me, but for now, i'll just do my test and after that, i'll just do whatever makes me feel comfy. i know i said this on twitter already, but i still look up to and is reflected by this comic by lily that she made a while ago. i enjoy creating and sharing. .
i might sing and make music in the future. who knows
i enjoy singing. the extent of how bad you are at singing is basically how bad you think you are at singing.
if you enjoy singing, then you're good at it, because you like doing it. .
my submission for the when the saints go marching in didn't get placed in the top 15, but they did link to my video in the description, which i think is a good enough accomplishment hehe. i wasn't expecting any high places, i just wanted them to laugh and have fun with my submission.